I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
