you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
