the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
