Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
