Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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