i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize