If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
