You were right. It hurts to walk today.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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