apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
