I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
