I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
