Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
