Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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