Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
