So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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