i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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