he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
there is glitter all over my balls
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