Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Randomize
