There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
