Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
