this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
