also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Just cropdusted the office
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize