I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
