He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
