she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
