My nipple is on Facebook.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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