I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
