just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
