literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
