I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
