I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
