Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just blew my weed a kiss
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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