We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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