You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
