my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
