Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
