3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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