I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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