There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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