We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
