I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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