so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
