I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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