They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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