Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It's blow job season.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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