Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize