may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
