the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize