Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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