drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
