I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
