apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
