Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
