note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
