This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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