She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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