I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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