whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
