Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
