His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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