I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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