Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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