just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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