I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
