her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
