What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Apparently you make a good broom.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
