so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
