There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize