I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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