i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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