I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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