Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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